To Will

I complain a lot about school. I work full-time, have a child and a partner, and am finishing my bachelor’s degree. I put off assignments until the last minute – like right now, when I have a paper due tomorrow, I am suddenly inspired to blog again! Funny how that works.

Yet I want to complete my education. I want to push through this and just be done, ready to move on with life and pay my student loans. This is my Will.

The concept of Will has been poking through the ground and trying to get noticed. I have never had the most developed Will, and I often struggle with knowing what it is I want. I often feel like I float through life and don’t make concrete decisions for myself – I allow myself to be swept along to the next thing. This allows me to avoid responsibility for my choices. If I am swept along, then it’s not really my fault if life doesn’t go as expected, right?

This is a cop-out, a way of avoiding developing my Will. I chose to go to school. I chose to have a child (thank you, post-Roe world!). I chose to take a new job and move away from my comfort zone.

I embrace my Will, and choose to move forward. Image

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Dirt Roads

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In the last three months my child was hospitalized for her first serious illness, I switched jobs, and I moved from a suburb of a large urban area to a small semi-rural city.

My life was stuck in the mud. It was moving, but not smoothly. I wasn’t unhappy but I was not enjoying life either. The last few weeks have been like stepping on the gas an flying out of the mud. But now I my life is trucking along again and I am feeling the effects. Problems previously buried are coming to light and being resolved. It’s a painful process that is cleansing. I don’t know where we will be by the end of the summer. I am comforted and guided by my practice as I take steps to claim my Will.

Photo: “graffiti” on a dead tree in a small suburban park.

High Tension

I hate tension in my personal life.

I can handle stress and tension at work, but at home, with people who are not paid to be in my presence, I start to crack.

Tonight I received a call from a family member wanting to take my daughter for a visit on Tuesday. She started the call by saying she had one thing planned. I said no, I already have plans for that day. She tells me she has different plans. Well fuck, lady, which is it? I would have no contact with this person were it not for the existence of my daughter due to her weird and unpleasant personality, but the cherry on top is her lack of boundaries. I feel like my rights as my child’s mother are being trampled on. I am treated like a second-class citizen in her life (by this person, not my daughter! She’s still young enough that Mommy is Goddess).

There are so many emotions tied up in this. The old practice of Kala from the Feri path never did much for me. Mostly it was an excuse to stay hydrated. I never felt like the knots of my troubles were undone or that I made any progress towards my problems with Kala. It was the other practices that made a difference, such as daily meditation practice.

I wonder if there is a practice with a similar intent to Kala but from a different perspective? I have so many emotions wrapped in this woman, and I feel really stuck with them, like they’re starting to run my life. I don’t want to live my days feeling animosity for another person. I want to seize the control I have.